The thought of a child being sexually abused is any parent's worst nightmare. But are parents well-equipped to prevent that thought from becoming a reality?
Pattie Fitzgerald, advocate for child safety and founder of Safely Ever After, Inc., shared that parents are victim to many misconceptions about child sexual abuse and sexual predators. Contrary to belief, sexual predators are not only strangers, or only a "weird looking guy." Actually, Fitzgerald said, most sexual predators are "super charming," and come from any background or setting. 90 percent of childhood sexual abuse occurs by someone the child knows, Fitzgerald said at a child safety seminar at Church Everyday on Sunday.
As a result, Fitzgerald stressed the importance of parents and children being educated and empowered to prevent such instances from happening, and shared three steps that parents could take to protect their children from predators in the seminar.
Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, Inc., shared tips on how parents could protect their children from predators.
1. "Learn the Facts and Understand the Risks"
The first step is to be informed about the facts regarding childhood sexual abuse, and about the "tricky people" who are the perpetrators of such abuse, Fitzgerald said.
"The most vulnerable age range for childhood sexual abuse is between the ages of 8 and 12 years old," said Fitzgerald. "Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk; they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents."
She added that "tricky people" can "seem 'nice' AND be unsafe." They could be "parents, step-parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, coaches, teachers, babysitters, camp counselors, religious leaders."
So if anyone has the potential to be a "tricky person," how are parents to discern who is "tricky," and who is "safe"? Fitzgerald said there are many red flags that parents could watch out for -- and if any person has more than one red flag, Fitzgerald said, "they're out."
For example, a person who continually tries to "arrange 'alone time' with just one child"; "someone who repeatedly befriends one 'outstanding' child, lavishing them with extraordinary amounts of attention, praise, or lavish gifts"; "someone who frequently offers to 'help out,' i.e. babysitting for free, taking your child on an overnight trip without you"; "someone who repeatedly ignores social, emotional, or physical boundaries or limits with others"; or "someone who spends most of their free time with children and seems to hae no interest in relationships with individuals their own age" are among the many red flags that Fitzgerald enumerated.
But, ultimately, "the 'uh-oh' feeling -- the gut instinct -- is the best barometer to gauge whether someone is tricky," Fitzgerald said.
"Don't ignore your gut instinct about people, and if your child tells you that they have an 'uh-oh' feeling about someone, don't tell them they're wrong, because when you do, their instincts might disappear as they grow older," warned Fitzgerald.
2. "Communicate, Educate, Empower"
Due to the fact that "tricky people" could come from anywhere, from any setting, Fitzgerald emphasized the importance of communication between parent and child, and the need to educate their children to express themselves well.
"Know what your child's daily activities are like when they're not with you," said Fitzgerald. Instead of asking, "What did you do at school today?" Fitzgerald suggested, "One way you could get details about their day is by asking them, 'Tell me three things that you did today, and I'll tell you three things that I did today.' Maybe you could share about your day first. You could also ask them questions like, 'Who did you have lunch with today?' or 'Who got in trouble today?' or 'Who should've gotten in trouble today?'"
Fitzgerald also advised parents not to "freak out" if their child shares something disturbing that happened during their day, "because they won't talk to you anymore."
Instead, "Smile and say, 'Thank you for telling me, tell me more about it,'" to understand the situation more fully, Fitzgerald suggested.
She also stressed the importance of educating the child about their private parts by using "anatomically correct words," because "molestors don't."
"They use cutesy nicknames like 'cookie,' 'lala,' or 'tushie,'" Fitzgerald described. But when children are not equipped with the proper words to describe their private parts, they will not be able to communicate clearly when they tell their parents or other trusted adults about an incident of sexual abuse. She shared an incident in which a child told her teacher that her mom's new boyfriend "tried to bite [her] cookie," but the teacher wasn't able to understand clearly what the child was talking about, preventing her from providing the necessary care in a timely manner.
3. "Minimize the Possibility"
Finally, Fitzgerald advised parents to minimize the possibility by monitoring the relationships that others have with their child.
"Pay attention to who is paying attention to your kid," she said.
"Predators have said repeatedly that they need access and privacy," Fitzgerald said, who has had experience speaking with child predators in prison. "More than 80 percent of sexual abuse occurs in a one-on-one environment."
"So we have to figure out who the tricky people are, and prevent them from getting one-on-one time with our children," she added. "And figure out who gets to have the privilege to have one-on-one times with your child."
Fitzgerald suggested that parents could be proactive with the people that the children encounter on a regular basis to watch out for red flags.
For example, when dropping off a child to her first soccer practice, the parent could touch base with the coach and say, "My daughter and I talk all the time about school and her other activities, and I can't wait to hear about what she learns from you and the team," to let the coach know that there is continuous and open communication between the child and parent -- and the parent will know if something were to happen to the child, Fitzgerald said. "And show up to pick up your child from practice 10 minutes early," she suggested. If the coach makes 'convenient' excuses to prevent a parent's involvement by saying such things as, "The children feel pressured when the parents are watching," then this could be reason to feel uneasy, Fitzgerald said. The same method could be applied in any setting, whether at a school or with a babysitter.
Pattie Fitzgerald is the founder of Safely Ever After, Inc., and has been featured in multiple media outlets such as CNN, MSNBC, and Good Morning America, and hosts this seminar, "An Ounce of Prevention" for parents in multiple settings, including schools, PTAs, and non-profits. Fitzgerald also holds safety workshops for children from ages 5 to 12.
The Sunday seminar was co-hosted by Church Everyday, a Korean immigrant church located in Northridge, CA, and Veritable Screening, a pre-employment background screening company. Organizers shared they hoped the seminar would help to educate and inform Korean American parents to better protect their children.
