Erich Fromm wrote a book called The Art of Loving a long time ago. In his book, Erich Fromm emphasizes that love is not ‘possession’ but ‘being.’ He emphasizes not to love in the way of possession but to love in the way of being. An immature person thinks of love as possession. Such a person uses a phrase like “You are mine!” toward the object of one’s love. Loving in the way of possession is dangerous, because once you possess the object of your love, then you stop trying to win the heart of the one you love. Because you think of your loved one as your possession, you end up treating the person with no respect and honor.
Those who consider love as possession give their best until they gain the heart of the one they love. However, once they possess their love, they no longer put effort in the relationship because they feel no need to give any more effort. It is like a fisherman no longer giving food to a fish that’s already been caught. A lot of marriage problems happen here. They give their best to each other prior to the marriage in order to be married to one another. The problem comes after the marriage. Once married, because they have possessed the one they loved, they no longer try or show detailed interest in their loved one. They feel no need to give any effort to what they have already possessed.
Mature people love each other not as possession but in the way of being. True love accepts each other as they are. They don’t try to change each other but love one another just as they are. Moreover, while accepting each other as they are, mature love shows continual interest in each other to help them grow and mature. Mature love does not love because of what the other person possesses but just loves the person for who he or she is. In addition, mature love is devoted in helping the other to grow into maturity. On the one hand, an immature person loves the gift that God gives. On the other hand, a mature person loves God who gives the gift.
Erich Fromm emphasizes that we must develop the skills of love in order to love with a mature love. In order to explain the need of requiring the skills of love, he gives examples of artists. Observing the life of artists helps us to recognize that love is skill. A professional pianist goes through an on-going process of learning, practicing, and polishing in order to be at such a level of excellence. You don’t become an excellent pianist just because you are gifted in playing piano. In order to reach a certain level of excellence, many hours of practicing and mastering has to be spent. It is the same for love. In order to reach a point of maturity in love, we must learn and master the skills of love. In that sense, love is also an art.
When love is matured, it reaches intimacy. However, the process of reaching the stage of loving intimacy is not an easy task. Most people are familiar with their loved ones but not intimate. People tend to treat what’s familiar thoughtlessly and sometimes even with contempt. For such reason, we must make effort to reach intimacy by overcoming the place of familiarity. In order to share intimate love, we must know each other. For intimate love, we must be able to share our lives with one another. We enter into a stage of greater intimacy as we come to know each other. It is as we come to understand one another, we are able to share intimate love. There is one more skill of love that we must learn in order to cultivate intimate love. That is to keep a healthy amount of distance with each other. It is having a balance of being alone and being together. Jesus, as he shared intimate love with his disciples, spent time in solitude at times while spending other times together. Jesus is the master of love. Jesus knew that over-intimacy can be a hindrance for intimacy. For such reason, he shared intimate love with his disciples by being away from them regularly.
For those of you who have been with me for a long time, you have seen me taking time to travel around the world to preach the Word across the nations away from you. The reason I do that is because I am aware of the need for having some degree of space away from you in order to share intimate love with you. Intimacy doesn’t come from being together constantly. We must remember that deeper intimate love can be shared by being away from each other at times. Just as rest is important in music, love also needs rest. I’m longing for you as I am delivering God’s Word in New Zealand away from you. Since the day I arrived here, I’ve been preaching and mentoring local pastors. Please pray for me for the remaining ministry and schedule. I will not just serve the local pastors and fellow saints in New Zealand but also learn many things from them and return to you. I bless you.
Reverend Joshua Choon-Min Kang is the senior pastor of New Life Vision Church, located in Los Angeles. This is one of the weekly letters he writes to his congregation. For the original, visit www.nlvc.org.
